I have found myself in the past couple of weeks in a strange gap.
I felt no dark, no light, no joy.
Just a gap of neither here nor there.
I guess as I write to you, it just felt like a waiting room.
The sparse lifeless walls with the token piece of art. The repeat and play hum of music in the background. The distance and yet closeness of people.
I have still awoken every morning, cup of tea, two squares of dark chocolate and rummaged through my self-care tool kit to stop myself from sliding into the rabbit hole and insuring that I keep “showing up.”
At first I was not sure who I Was showing up for and then I realised, for me.
I was not willing to leave myself behind. Not this time.
And as numb to life and the warm rays of the Summer Sun I felt, I had to hold the truth of “this too will pass.”
I know I have been breathing, of course I am still here. But this morning I realised I wasn’t quite … I mean it was not full or With ease, it was a cautious sip.
Not my usual thirst for life and as I noticed this, I took the step over the ledge and felt my belly rise rich and full, then my lips open and sigh.
In this simple self permission to not do the breath but once again trust and allow myself breath, there was a shift.
Now I will be honest and say then what occurred was the flickering of the screen of events that once upon a time fucking hurt!
And then I saw in those moments I had held my breath, so as not to rock the tender boat of those around me and hold tight my pain so I could “keep calm and carry on.”
Whoever designed that shitty mug??
The difference was this time that my body knew these moments happened and were not happening and just wanted rid now.
To open up to a new way with space for expansion.
And the only way the body knows how to release, to move, is to soften into the soothing constant of life‘s breath.
Life is a double sided coin. When we sit with darkness, we sit with the light. It is not a case of getting to enlightenment and this will no longer be so.
It is so, it is life.
Winter and Spring. Cool and hot.
It is how we label these moments of rise and fall, how we meet them. How we attach or let it pass.
We cannot be Gurus on top of mountains, that is not our modern world.
Once we discover the silence and love of our inner being, We have to return to BE Gurus in the hustle of life’s supermarkets.