Once upon a time I was a no “body.”
I floated through life it seemed upon a breeze, numb to the existence of my legs and feet and completely unrelated to my body.
I know now, my body dissociation was a means to survival as a child, if I was not there it was not happening.
As I grew older, it was my learnt way of functioning in the world. And besides to go within … to connect with my body I would have to witness all that I had “fumbled” through by denial.
If I did not look … it never happened.
I abused my body, continued where they left of.
Pain and the drama of life gave me some level of existence, it was what I knew and besides I could easily slip out of skin and bones into “some other place” … punishment and abusive relationships so confused with a wonky perspective of love, that I seemed to hunt it.
Until one winter’s day in 2000 I received a big universal kick up the bum, as you do and there was no where left for me to run to.
My body was screaming for my acceptance, my love … so slowly I started at the edges of the Jigsaw, my journey home.
A daily choice to listen,
To bare witness…
To reclaim my sexuality, my feminine form, my body.
To notice sensation.
To make choices of love, not fear of consequences.
To know my body as a source of pleasure not pain.
It was not a natural arrival.
I pushed and fought against the emergence of my true self beyond the bullshit and messy pieces.
Often I would slip easily away again out of my flesh or into a pit of self destruction, especially in times of unworthiness and fear.
Therapy of the mind I soon discovered could only get me so far. I would leave frustrated at the can of worms, words had unravelled with no given instructions on how to live now beyond their closed door.
I knew intuitively, that the expression of words to an occasional “nodding head” was not the answer … it was my body and its world of sensations that I was scared of.
It was in pain and needed to be held safely and heard.
My Life has been my learning.
At the tender age of 46 and what appears many lifetimes later, I am not sure there is any life situation I cannot empathise with.
Life has taught me well with its tapestry of colours…
From a childhood of sexual abuse, anorexia, to drugs, to homelessness, to the loss of a son, from life threatening illness to near a death experience, from marriage to single parent hood, to the loss of both breasts.
But I sit here, writing to you hand on my heart, knowing I would not change a nano second of this life.
All these experiences have woven together, to enable me to share from an authentic place of “knowing how that tastes,” and to offer an invitation to see beyond what may feel at times desperately hopeless and broken.
To be able to connect and “meet” the other, neck deep in their hell and offer a kind, knowing hand to show even the smallest glimpse of light …
Of another way.
This life has made me the woman I am today and enabled me to share and hold, from a place of raw and real bones.
From passion and soul.
This profoundly intuitive journey of discovering the medicine in the poison, has embodied a unique “methodology” to my life that embraces
The simplicity of breath,
The relationship of body love,
Exploration of “Sensational” movement.
It is through this creation of heart that, I gently support sexual trauma survivors & those who fear intimate relationships back to the safe edges of their skin.
And a new experience and trust of their world of sensation, intimacy and love.
I am a Sexual Trauma and Intimacy Alchemist through lived experience.
Qualified by various bits of paper.
But above all, the honest and humble tale of my way home to the sacredness of who I am, in body, love and sex.
Tantric Teacher & Body worker | Trauma Yoga Teacher | Counsellor for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.