I am noticing today how I used to believe I was meant to suffer.
That because of all that had happened, I was innately bad.
This kept me in a loop of suffering, a hostage to the past, made by my ill- informed and unconscious choices.
I see this now.
Would I have listened then?
I like to believe I would.
If someone had held me close in wise hands and shown me that I could remove myself from pain just by believing I deserved to.
I feel there is a part of being human, a history of abuse or not, that wrongly believes we are meant to suffer.
We are not.
In my experience, I have suffered when the past has been kept alive by my actions, choices and the self beliefs of my own worth.
When I have allowed myself to be limited by what happened rather than aligned with what is available to me now.
When I shrank in the darkness of fear rather than bravely stepping into light and trusting there would always be love.
When I defined myself by the story and forgot to remember who I am.
The suffering is when I have not sat at ease with the uncomfortable and rebelled against it… and most painful of all, allowed it to become truth.
When I have chosen not to see the opportunities for growth and dug my heels into victimhood.
I am not to blame for what happened.
I am responsible for what is present, only I own that power and how grateful I am for that profound realisation.
I do know that all of what I have said may seem too easy, especially when the
monstrous shadows have you by the throat.
Yet I do know freedom from suffering is possible. For this is how I feel now.
Free from what was. Receptive and available to what is.
No longer the abused child.
No longer the abused woman.
Simply here, now.
Bathing In the vast possibilities of I am.
